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Under the Crescent Moon (2)

I rushed to the office and punched in my card. Couldn't believe I made it. Ha! This is the second month I was never late. Where before it never bothered me whether I arrived on time or not, the past months had been different. I had something to look forward to when going to work. Really my bad habits have disappeared. 

I went to my desk and tried to settle in. As soon as I opened my mac, a message popped up "Hey, you're in time again! John! Employee of the month! =)" I laughed out loud and the others looked at me. An office mate asked me what was funny and I replied "Nothing. I think I had too much coffee". I sat down and replied to Regan. 

If only I could tell her she was the reason. She made me better. But I dared not. It was enough for her to feel what I felt. It was not yet time. Telling her would only push her away. We chatted for a while but she was called for a meeting. Sigh, we have not had any projects for the past weeks. 

I turned to the work at hand and tried to concentrate. 

Regan had been a good friend the past couple of years. We walked together, we talked. And that was it. I wished I could say more. But that was all we had. I was a fool to let this go on, knowing that I was falling deeper and deeper. Yet, like a thirsty man drawn to water, I was drawn to her. She made me realize what I had been missing from this life. I thought I had it all, but then she came, and I realized I really had nothing. 

She awakened a side of me I thought was forever gone. I thought i could not feel this way again. I thought wrong. 

They said old and bad habits die hard. But knowing her had stopped that. She did not even need to say it. The old habits just disappeared. She made me want to become a better person. It sounded cliche but it was the truth. The list would be long if I enumerate all the things I gave up. Just by knowing her.

But I knew being better was not good enough. I knew I should offer her more. Still I hesitated. Not because I was not sure. I have never been more sure than right now. But I had to fix my life. 

Perhaps she would wait. Perhaps I should tell her. But it would be unfair for her. Years divide us. An unlikely couple they would say. And sometimes I wanted to agree. But our difference in years only made us connect more. She has wisdom beyond her years; I feel the years slipping away when we talk. 

I should tell her what I was feeling. I debated time and time again. I did not have the courage, not yet. It was enough for me to let her feel. 

"John, lunch?", a message from Regan. "Sure", I replied. Maybe I would tell her. Maybe this was the moment. But then... the words would not come out. Not yet. Not all of the old habits have disappeared. Perhaps later, when I had the courage to come out clean. 

For the moment, I would bask in her presence.

Written April 18, 2010