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My answer

It was a week of bleeding. Finally, on April 16. It just cleared up! 😄 It was answered prayer for me.  I couldn't explain the relief I felt. Finally, I would be able to enjoy my pregnancy. Or so I thought.

I came back to work on April 22. Everything was looking great. Still, at the back of my mind, I know that I still need to go undergo UTS to hear my baby's heartbeat and to check how big he has grown in the past 2 weeks.

At the back of my mind, there was also fear. What if? But every time this fear comes, I brush it off. I would not let negativity ruin my day.

April 27, with heart thumping, I went in for my UTS. The sonologist asked me why I needed the procedure. I explained quickly and she ended my statement by saying something like "oh, if it's still there".

The procedure started. And then it ended quickly. Without asking me if I wanted to hear the heartbeat. Without mouthing the  size of the embryo, or how many weeks I was. It was just done.  I couldn't see the monitor but the way the nurse and the sonologist were quiet, I know it could not have been good news.

We waited for an hour for the results and when we got it, I quickly scanned the document. Only one line stood out ".... no gestational sac/embryo seen".

I don't know how to react. I know there must be a reason why God allowed it, still tears kept falling. I couldn't help it.

We were so excited, we have planned out a lot; the car seats, the strollers. I have already listed down names... But it was not meant to be.

I was never good at expressing pain or emotions. I usually bury it inside and I give a smiling and even joking facade to the world. I think it is also why I feel physical pain. I find it hard to breathe for days now. My chest aches...

Perhaps written words can help this time.  Perhaps one day, the memory would fade but right now, I want to remember my angel.