Monday, April 29, 2019

My answer

3:50:00 AM
It was a week of bleeding. Finally, on April 16. It just cleared up! 😄 It was answered prayer for me.  I couldn't explain the relief I felt. Finally, I would be able to enjoy my pregnancy. Or so I thought.

I came back to work on April 22. Everything was looking great. Still, at the back of my mind, I know that I still need to go undergo UTS to hear my baby's heartbeat and to check how big he has grown in the past 2 weeks.

At the back of my mind, there was also fear. What if? But every time this fear comes, I brush it off. I would not let negativity ruin my day.

April 27, with heart thumping, I went in for my UTS. The sonologist asked me why I needed the procedure. I explained quickly and she ended my statement by saying something like "oh, if it's still there".

The procedure started. And then it ended quickly. Without asking me if I wanted to hear the heartbeat. Without mouthing the  size of the embryo, or how many weeks I was. It was just done.  I couldn't see the monitor but the way the nurse and the sonologist were quiet, I know it could not have been good news.

We waited for an hour for the results and when we got it, I quickly scanned the document. Only one line stood out ".... no gestational sac/embryo seen".

I don't know how to react. I know there must be a reason why God allowed it, still tears kept falling. I couldn't help it.

We were so excited, we have planned out a lot; the car seats, the strollers. I have already listed down names... But it was not meant to be.

I was never good at expressing pain or emotions. I usually bury it inside and I give a smiling and even joking facade to the world. I think it is also why I feel physical pain. I find it hard to breathe for days now. My chest aches...

Perhaps written words can help this time.  Perhaps one day, the memory would fade but right now, I want to remember my angel.

Monday, April 15, 2019

A visit to the ER

7:44:00 AM

When I woke up morning of April 8, I almost dreaded going to the rest room. My fear confirmed. My bleeding turned heavier. I informed Jie and cried. I felt like I already lost the baby. Jie and I prayed that everything would be okay.

When Jie left for the office, I texted my OB and updated her about the situation. She informed me to go to the ER and request for a UTS. She will also call the hospital and inform the resident ER about me. I called up my mother (I was alone with baby JE at the time) so they can pick me up and bring me to the hospital. I can actually drive myself but I need someone to look after JE. 

At around 11 am, we were already in the ER. They performed an internal exam and also called me for a transV UTS. 

The wait was hard. I was googling and looking for information that would ease my mind. I know I just need to pray and leave it up to the Lord, still I can't help but be worried. 

When it was time for my UTS, they asked me questions and reviewed my previous UTS results. The sonologist informed me that the embryo was still there, however, a heart beat cannot be detected yet. A weight was lifted off my shoulders. It's still there. There is a chance!

My OB visited me after a while and explained that there is a 50% chance. The embryo was there but it seemed "faded". Also, it seemed to not have grown since my last UTS. She inquired if I wanted to be admitted but also warned me that nothing much would be done. I would sill be taking the same medication. I opted to go home. I was optimistic. My baby is still there. 

I checked the results and it was stated that I have subchorionic hemorrhage, a blood clot between the placenta and the uterus. I have read that a lot of those with this condition lead to healthy pregnancies. A sigh of relief... However my doctor informed me to check my bleeding. If some form of tissue comes out, then it can be a sign that I might have a miscarriage. 

I don't know what to think anymore.  I have been reading community forum and they all advised not to google the condition. Some stories have calmed me though. Some shared that they had bleeding and still continued with their pregnancy. I now leave it up to the Lord. He knows what is best. 

Saturday, April 6, 2019

Ultrasound #2

9:28:00 AM
My spotting returned on April 3. Despite my positivism, I texted my boss and our HR that I would no longer be coming in, that I would start my bed rest one day early.

I went to the sonologist alone this time. 

She estimated that I was about 5 weeks (my result came at 5 weeks and 6/7 days), and asked me if I have heard the heartbeat. She tried however no heart beat can be detected yet. She informed me that usually they wait for 1 to 2 weeks. If I had my UTS done that Friday, I would have probably hear it. 

The following day, I got my results and sent it to my OB as per her request. She seem unworried and informed me to just repeat the procedure after a week or two. 

My spotting, however continued and she advised me to just continue with my 3x a day Duphaston. 

I tried to enjoy my bed rest, which was really in front of my computer answering emails and telecons on projects, Still like being in the office without the meetings. 

My spotting continues and I was already contemplating to using pads instead of shields. I kept praying for it to stop. 

After church on April 7, however, another fear came in: my spotting turned to heavy bleeding, I stared and could not believe my eyes. 

I could not tell Jie. Telling him would be like acknowledging something awful. My OB was not available that day so I kept everything to myself. 

When I came home, I went to the bed room and tried to rest. 

I googled and tried to find any information that would alleviate my fear. The more I learn, the more I fear.

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

Too early and then...

8:59:00 AM

March 22, I went to get my ultrasound as per request from Dr. Calazan. I was supposed to get it at Hi Precision Jaka branch but then they told me that a guy sonologist is scheduled. Jie suggested that we go instead to the Las Pinas branch.

When we went there, we were pleasantly surprise that they have a section that is dedicated solely for expecting moms. Called MomMe Care, the place is actually quite nice because we didn't have to wait with all the seniors for blood extraction haha!

We arrived at 10:45 and we were informed that the next doctor would come in at 11 pm. We waited, however the sonologist arrived at almost 12 noon. She was all apologetic and rushed into ensuring those who were in line were quickly attended to. 

When my time came, I called Jie in. She informed me that there is a gestational sac, however my pregnancy was still too early, probably at 5 weeks. Yolk sac was still not seen, including the embryo. I was a bit disappointed as I was hoping to hear Baby Dos' heartbeat. But it was not yet time. She advised me to come back after a week or two for get my next ultrasound.
After hearing this, my excitement bubble faded. I know it was bad of me, but it might also be a a premonition of things to come. 

March 31 was supposed to be my schedule to visit my OB to discuss my UTS. However, on March 30, after a pleasant day with baby JE and Jie in Tagaytay, I went to the rest room and saw some spotting. Dread went down my spine. 

I immediately sent an SMS to Dr. Calazan and she advised me to immediately take Duphaston, a medication meant to make the baby " hold on". 

Duphaston is a prescription drug and I do not have the issued prescription at the time. I informed Jie and we parked in the first drugstore that we can find. I almost jumped out, went inside and asked the counter if I can buy one without the prescription as I left it at home. After some consultation, fortunately they allowed me to buy one tablet. 

Still my fear did not subside. I was googling for anything that would be able to calm me. But all I get were information that made me more anxious. 

She also asked me if I can still come to the office to get an immediate UTS. However, we were still at Tagaytay then. 

After taking the medication, all I can do is pray that my spotting would stop. 

I visited my OB the following day and asked me to repeat the UTS and gave me a request again for the procedure. She also ordered bed rest for a week for me. She also asked me to take Duphaston 3x a day. 

With regards to my bed rest, frankly, I don't know how to broach it in my office. Is it that serious? Being the positive me, I was thinking I do not need to have a bed rest. I was considering all my meetings and was thinking if I can schedule  my bed rest the following Thursday after my big meetings. 

The following Monday, April 1, I talked to my boss and informed her about my condition, as well as the need for me to rest. I promised her that I would work from home too. Not because she asked it of me, but because I also want it. 

We agreed that I would start my bed rest by April 4. I also talked to our HR manager and informed her about my scheduled leave. 

On April 3, however, my spotting returned....




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